


Don't Speak

by rightonthelimit



Category: Glee
Genre: Angst, Episode: s04e04, M/M, Reactionfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-04-20
Updated: 2013-04-20
Packaged: 2017-12-09 00:07:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/767682
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rightonthelimit/pseuds/rightonthelimit
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt’s feelings after finding out Blaine cheated. Reactionfic to 4x04</p>
            </blockquote>





	Don't Speak

**Author's Note:**

> This is really old! Don't know why I never posted it before...

**A/N: Please do not repost, recreate or translate.**

**Don’t Speak**

_‘I really feel that I'm losing my best friend. I can't believe this could be the end.’_

Kurt couldn’t even begin thinking about Finn and Rachel. About how broken Rachel would probably be if she’d wake up only to find Finn wasn’t there. He couldn’t bring himself to _care._

Not when he was so broken up himself.

He honestly had thought they’d make it. He thought that he’d been doing the right thing, that he’d been on the right track – Kurt had a nice internship, a big apartment, he was in _New York_ … He had (used to have?) a gorgeous boyfriend who loved him more than anything, who’d been so dedicated to him that he’d transferred schools to be with Kurt no matter how scared he’d initially had been of losing the comfort Dalton had offered him…

Kurt wrapped his arms around himself and shifted on his armchair, staring listlessly in front of himself. His eyes were stinging but he didn’t want to cry, and he could feel a headache coming up. He hadn’t gotten much sleep at all.

Kurt had tried. He had tried lying next to Blaine, listen to his breathing and then focusing on his own, he tried to ignore the way Blaine’s breath had hitched every now and then. Kurt couldn’t help but be so reminded of that one night where Blaine had gotten drunk – he’d been just as terrified to move in his own bed with Blaine in it, as he had been tonight. It was like walking on eggshells.

But that had been back when they hadn’t been together yet. And now? Kurt didn’t even know where this had lead them.

Hooking up with someone. It sounded so easy, so vile, so… So un-Blaine-like.

Kurt sniffled.

Every time they’d messed around with each other it had been special. It had been emotional, _good_ , passionate. Even their scheduled make out sessions.

Kurt didn’t know whether or not it was a good thing that Blaine hadn’t been willing to share any details. Kurt knew that once he’d hear everything, hear who it had been and exactly what they’d been doing together, he wouldn’t be able to get it out of his head. But did it matter, Kurt wondered to himself, when this mess they both created was already taking over his every thought?

Kurt didn’t want to break up with Blaine and that was the most horrible thing about it. Because Kurt knew – he knew that above jaded, above _betrayed,_ he loved Blaine. He loved Blaine with his heart, with his _soul_ , and Blaine was everything to him. And he knew he had made mistakes too.

It just hurt. It hurt so much and Kurt hadn’t even been able to come up with anything like this in his worst nightmares. He never would’ve been able to imagine that Blaine would actually cheat on him. Not Blaine. Never Blaine.

What a lie. Kurt guessed that no matter how much he had been forced to grow up, he still had that naïve, vain hope. Hope for a good future, for romance. Fairytales weren’t real. Love wasn’t enough to keep up a relationship and they both had underestimated the effort a long distance relationship would take. Kurt now wondered to himself if it had been sheer naivety that had made him believe that they could work together as a couple when they’d be so many miles apart.

Kurt’s heart contrasted in his chest and he sobbed, and was quick to press his hands against his mouth to keep from making any more noise. He ached. His temples were throbbing and his lips ached with the remembrance of their last kiss, his hands feeling empty without Blaine’s holding them. He felt cold without Blaine’s body against his, his arms felt useless when they weren’t holding Blaine close. It was like his entire body was just a mangled puzzle piece, torn out of a complete artwork and left to be incomplete and rejected until it would finally disintegrate.

Kurt honestly did feel he would die if Blaine would’ve walked out on him the way Finn had walked out on Rachel.

But Blaine didn’t. Blaine was asleep – he had cried himself to sleep last night, and Kurt hadn’t been able to hold him. He hadn’t been able to console him when he’d been so upset, when all he could think of was _did that other guy touch you there too, Blaine? What did he do to you? Was he better than me, do you love him?_

Eventually Kurt had gotten up and sat down in the arm chair, thinking things over again and again. He couldn’t come up with a way to fix it and he vaguely thought to himself, with bitter amusement, how ridiculous it was for him to get out of his _own bed_. It should be Blaine getting out yet Kurt was immensely grateful that eventually Blaine had fallen asleep. Must’ve been his flight. Kurt knew how afraid Blaine was of airplanes and this day had been draining for him.

Above all, Kurt  wondered to himself how long Blaine had been lonely. How long he had been emotionally broken, and how long he had wanted to tell Kurt. Kurt just never had the time for him. He wondered if things would’ve been different if Kurt would’ve just called Blaine back at the appropriate times. Would it have made any difference? Would it have been _enough?_

Kurt wished it wasn’t too early to call his dad.

Kurt just kind of, sort of, really needed a hug right now.

Kurt stubbornly rubbed at his eyes and leaned his head back against the back rest, his legs folded underneath him. No matter how much he shifted or how often he tried to doze off, he just couldn’t get any sleep. He closed his eyes, just for a moment, straining his ears to hear if anyone was coming out. It was just 6 am. Blaine usually didn’t wake up until 10, and that hollow feeling in Kurt’s chest became painful when he remembered the way Blaine looked when he woke up after a night of lovemaking. He noted to himself that Blaine still had gel in his hair when he went to bed.

He probably hadn’t wanted to come over more vulnerable than he already was. Figured Blaine would quickly build up the walls Kurt had so carefully torn down as soon as he would even get an inkling of how upset Kurt was with him. Blaine probably was disgusted by himself right now. He always beat himself up over all kinds of things for days.

It was a sniffle that made Kurt blink his eyes open again and he rubbed at them as he pushed himself up in his seat. Blaine was standing there, in his pajamas, and he looked so heart wrenchingly upset that Kurt had to do everything in his power not to get up and embrace him, tell him that it was okay.

Because it was not okay. Blaine had hurt him and that knowledge was keeping him from consoling his boyfriend.

Kurt couldn’t help but be reminded of _I needed you and you weren’t there_ and the fact that he was now openly doing this hurt Kurt. He wanted to cry. He wanted to bury his face in Blaine’s neck and breathe in the scent of his skin and cologne and pretend everything was okay.

But he didn’t and for a dizzying moment, they just stared at each other. Kurt’s stomach clenched but he wasn’t hungry. He doubted he could eat anything these upcoming days. Not even cheesecake could make him feel better.

‘Hi,’ Blaine whispered from all the way across the room. His voice was deafening no matter how quietly he had spoken that word. Kurt thought that if Blaine had just mouthed the damn word it would’ve brought these stupid tears to his eyes again.

‘Good morning,’ Kurt managed to say. Blaine’s lips moved but he wasn’t speaking and Kurt abruptly got up, walking over to their kitchen. He could feel Blaine’s eyes on him and he kept blinking, struggling to keep from crying. Why was he about to cry now when he had all night to do so? Why did he have to show vulnerability in front of Blaine right now?

‘Coffee?’

‘…Yes, please,’ Blaine hesitantly replied. Kurt heard the shuffling of his feet and then the scraping of a chair. Blaine sat down at the kitchen table.

Kurt’s hands were shaking as he grabbed a couple of mugs and turned on the coffee machine. His knuckles were white around the carton of milk and he paused when Blaine mumbled something.

‘What was that?’ Kurt whispered. His voice was thick with tears he hadn’t shed, but was close to shedding. Kurt rubbed at his eyes again.

‘I said, that we should talk about last ni-’

‘Oh. Right,’ Kurt interrupted him. His hands were shaking so bad that he nearly pressed the wrong buttons on the coffee machine and he heard Blaine sigh.

‘Kurt, please -’

‘Do you want breakfast? Eggs?’ Kurt interrupted him again and he started walking to the fridge without waiting for a reply. Why was he so scared all of a sudden, when he had so much time to think? Why was he so skittish? Kurt couldn’t tell, but what he could tell was that Blaine’s presence right now was more than he could handle. He needed some fresh air.

Kurt dropped the eggs when Blaine was suddenly in front of him, his eyes tearful and his hands on Kurt’s biceps.

And then they’re in each other’s arms and they’re both crying.

It was like Blaine’s embrace sends sparks all over Kurt’s spine, making him sob and whimper and clutch the soft fabric of Blaine’s pajamas. They matched with Kurt’s red ones – Blaine had stolen them from his suitcase when he had helped Kurt packing.

‘I’m sorry,’ Blaine choked out, ‘I’m so, so sorry, Kurt.’ He was holding Kurt like he was afraid he would never be able to and maybe that’s true. Maybe Kurt would never allow Blaine to hold him like this anymore, or at least not for a long time. He just didn’t know anything for sure.

But he did know that not being able to tell Blaine that it would be okay because Kurt didn’t know for sure hurt like hell, and he kind of found himself wishing that Blaine would’ve woken up later. Even if Kurt was certain that no amount of time could’ve helped him prepare for this.

Kurt sighed and stroked the back of Blaine’s neck, feeling so tired all of a sudden.

He just needed to be strong right now. He needed to get Blaine home safely so he could think.

Kurt couldn’t help but kiss Blaine’s temple out of habit, the way he did when they were alone, so innocent yet so intimately so. Blaine’s breath hitched and Kurt swallowed the lump in his throat. He tried to ignore the tears rolling over his cheeks but with Blaine looking at him like that it was hard to stop fresh tears from pooling in his eyes.

When Blaine reached out to wipe them away, Kurt just shook his head and stepped away.

Blaine sobbed.

‘Kurt -’

‘I need some space,’ Kurt managed to say. He shivered and took a wavering breath, wrapping his arms around himself. He should find something to clean the eggyolk off the floor, he had to get ready for work – there was so much he needed to do… ‘I need – I just, I can’t. I _can’t,_ Blaine, because all I can think about is you with someone else and it sickens me!’

‘I am sorry!’ Blaine sobbed, ‘I told you – it didn’t mean anything, I love you, you’re _everything_ to me but I -’

‘There should be no _but’s,_ Blaine! What we had was supposed to be forever!’ And now Kurt was struggling to speak at all. His lips were quivering and he watched as Blaine pressed his face into his hands, his shoulders going up and down with the effort of his sobs. He looked so young like that, so compact.

Kurt could see it now. Kurt could see how not just distance had driven them to this point, but everything else too. Blaine was still in high school and Kurt, he already lived by himself. He had a job and he supported himself. Blaine was still so dependent… Always in need for confirmation because he really was just a love-deprived child on the inside…

‘It is,’ Blaine argued with a weak voice, ‘it really is. We can work on it, we can _talk_ -’

‘And what are you going to tell me, Blaine?’ Kurt snapped abruptly, his patience wearing thin. He was too emotional, he needed some sleep. ‘Are you going to tell me how this is my fault? Are you going to tell me that because I was here, building up a life for myself, _finally_ feeling like I belong, you felt like I didn’t love you anymore? Because I think about you every single day, okay?! And it was hard for me too! It sucked to have to watch gay couples being able to walk hand in hand here while you were still stuck in Lima with people who love slushy’ing kids who are just a bit different! I _know_ how much it hurts!’

It was only now that Kurt realized he’d been shouting and judging from Blaine’s body language, he’s afraid. He couldn’t handle people yelling at him, it reminded him too much of his father, of his family. Blaine looked like he was terrified Kurt was going to hit him and he looked like nothing but a mere _boy_ , with his sleeves too long, his eyes red and swollen and his cheeks flushed. He looked vulnerable.

It was like all anger suddenly seeped out of Kurt’s body.

‘I love you, and I miss you. And you’re probably right – maybe I did have it easier here. I’m surrounded by amazing people, I have _Rachel_ to distract me. But Blaine – no one could ever fill in the hole you left behind in my heart. Not now, not ever. And I wish you would’ve thought of that before you started hooking up with some guy.’

Blaine took a shaky breath. He opened up his mouth to speak but he suddenly stopped and rubbed at his eyes instead, as if to quickly make himself presentable. Kurt wondered why when he’d already seen his tears and seen so much more of Blaine before, but he paused when he heard Rachel exclaim a soft _oh._

Kurt’s yelling must’ve woken her up. Figured.

Kurt briefly closed his eyes and tried to school his features for as much as that was possible before he turned around. There was a tired, sad look in Rachel’s eyes – one that Kurt undoubtedly mirrored. He realized he really, really loved this crazy woman. And he needed to talk to her more than anything.

‘Where’s Finn?’ Rachel mumbled. Blaine started working their coffee machine – Kurt briefly listened to hot coffee pouring into one of their mugs. Blaine was probably just as antsy as Kurt was right now.

Kurt didn’t reply, he simply shook his head, too tired to be willing to mingle in someone else’s drama when he had so much of his own. Rachel blinked and then tears started welling up in her eyes too. God, was that all the three of them were capable of? Crying and just not being able to understand why or how things got so far?

Much to his surprise, Rachel just swallowed thickly and nodded. She helped Blaine get the coffee ready and they didn’t speak of their fight anymore.

When they were sitting by the kitchen table, the three of them didn’t say a word. They sipped from their coffee, all of them struggling to keep their tears inside, to say what they felt deep inside. Kurt’s eyes met Blaine’s every now and then and Blaine looked so anguished and so guilty that Kurt had to look away again. His chest ached. Everything did.

Rachel sighed and reached across the tables for both their hands, and Kurt and Blaine tiredly blinked at her. Rachel gave them a watery smile.

‘I love you two. I really do,’ she murmured. Blaine gave her an uncertain smile (though it looked more like a grimace) and Kurt nodded tensely. She got up and placed their empty mugs in the sink, and then embraced Blaine from behind. Kurt watched Blaine’s body grow tense but then he relaxed and even twisted in his seat, wrapping those strong arms of his around Rachel’s thin body and holding her for a moment. Kurt could see Blaine’s lashes flutter as he closed his eyes.

Kurt knew how much Blaine loved hugs, no matter who he got them from.

‘Come visit us soon, okay?’ Rachel murmured. She pressed a kiss against Blaine’s forehead and then smiled sadly at Kurt and walked away again, probably to take a shower. For a moment Blaine remained there, twisted in his seat, his eyes still closed. His knuckles were white from holding his chair so tightly.

‘I’m going to get dressed,’ Kurt mumbled. Blaine nodded and pressed his mouth in a thin line and Kurt wished he could kiss Blaine’s forehead too, and act like there was nothing wrong. When he got to his wardrobe, he heard Rachel leaving a message in Finn’s voicemail. He didn’t have it in him to tell her that that was useless.

For a moment Kurt just stared at his own reflection and he quickly put on some clothes. He paused from where he’d been fixing his hair when he noticed Blaine standing there right behind him, staring at him.

‘Can I have a hug?’ Blaine mumbled. Kurt should say no, he really should. But it was the way that Blaine said it that made him doubt himself and he slowly nodded.  Blaine walked up to him and he wrapped his arms around Kurt the way Rachel had embraced him from behind. Kurt breathed in through his nose and closed his eyes, leaning into Blaine’s chest for a moment.

‘Finn left this morning, didn’t he?’ Blaine mumbled softly, as if speaking out loud would make Kurt yell at him again. Kurt nodded again. When he opened his eyes he realized Blaine had been watching his – no, their – reflection. Kurt still thought they looked beautiful together.

Kurt wondered if Blaine had looked even more beautiful with that other guy.

‘You need to go home,’ Kurt merely replied. Blaine’s eyes widened and then filled with tears again, and Kurt shook his head. ‘I need time, I need space. I need -’

‘Anything,’ Blaine whimpered and his grip grew tighter on Kurt and his tears soaked through Kurt’s clothing. ‘Just please talk to me when you’re ready. Tell me where we stand.’

Kurt’s jaw tightened and he inhaled a deep breath, knowing he wouldn’t be able to speak to Blaine once he’d be alone with his own thoughts and emotions. Kurt already knew that all Blaine would find out would be from other people because Kurt couldn’t handle it. He couldn’t handle the person he loved most cheating on him and betraying him.

Because what they had was good, it was perfect. And now it was ruined.

‘Let’s get you dressed,’ Kurt offered. He felt like crying yet his eyes were dry now – what was happening with him? Blaine’s eyes found his in their joined reflection and his lips quivered with unspoken words.

And Kurt was right.

The only way Blaine found out where they stood, even after sending Kurt gifts and letters and texts and calling him at least three times a day, was through Kurt’s facebook.

Kurt changed his relationship status into single and Blaine’s world fell into pieces.

 


End file.
